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I suppose you have a lot to do, but if you find just a little time to read my letter, then it would make me happy. I am 25 years old and i live in Sweden. I have been through a lot of things in my life, like sexual abuse, I have seen my father beat up my mother and I have tried through my years to protect my sister, and my brother who is younger. My mom and dad are from Kosovo, and they have a different culture than people in Sweden, so I have grown up with both sides of the cultures, bad and good ones. I managed to move from the city that my family lives in, in that why I started to live my life more. I have been living one my own for more than one year now.
I’m also Gay. I’m struggling with my self image, and I‘m trying to be honest, and someday I will come out to my family, but I’m scared. My problem is, that I don’t have any energy left, I don’t have anything to live for, it seems like that. My personal relationships isn’t good either, I recently meet this woman whom I fell in love with, for the first time in my life, and there is a big process going on in my life. The biggest one is, that I’m trying to learn more about my self. What should I do? how should I get my energy back, and how should I stop this destructive way of treating my self?
There’s no simple answer to help you sort through the identity struggles you are going through. That is just part of your journey that you need to walk through. Like many others, you have some difficult trauma from your childhood to heal. This is going to take some time, and a lot of love and eventually forgiveness. Meditation can help to begin with, but I would encourage you to get some counseling on a regular basis as well.
You can also considerably lighten your load regarding your current self-image struggles by reminding yourself that there is no particular image or standard that you need to live up to. You don’t have to have a simple label for your sexuality, and you don’t have to justify who you are to anyone, not your family, your friends or even to your ego self. It’s all right to be a bit confused for now. Try to live your life without over analyzing things, or comparing yourself to some hypothetical model. When you learn to live your life more spontaneously in the present moment, with your feelings coming from your heart, and grounded in your body, you will regain your natural life energy and optimism. You will find life is much more fun without the constraints of self-criticism.